


Cake

by LikaNightmare



Series: When you fall I'll be there to help you to get up [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Realistic, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-29
Updated: 2016-09-29
Packaged: 2018-08-18 11:04:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8159911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LikaNightmare/pseuds/LikaNightmare
Summary: The Christmas lights were everywhere and Tanaka thought to himself that, somehow, they manage to show up earlier each year. People walking past him seemed to be excited with Christmas and all the madness that usually comes with it. He couldn't blame them, thought. He had always been in love with Christmas even before Chikara came into his life(...) It was a good life and he would never let it slip through his fingers. He would hold close and he would never let anything happen to Chikara again. Tanaka knew he wouldn't get lucky to be on the right place at the right time again.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [shiro_yuu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiro_yuu/gifts).



The cold wind hit his face when he walked outside the building. Shoving his hands on his pockets, Tanaka smiled and thanked God Chikara remembered him to put on a beanie so his shaved head was protected. It was little past 7 p.m in a very cold friday and he was done with all the paper work and now he was finally free to go home after a long week of intense work and insane lab hours. He stretched his arms above his head and then put on his headphone, excitedly bobbing his head to the beat and eager to get home and jump on his couch and eat as much food as he could. It was a beautiful plan and he was proud of it. The Christmas lights were everywhere and Tanaka thought to himself that, somehow, they manage to show up earlier each year. People walking past him seemed to be excited with Christmas and all the madness that usually comes with it. He couldn't blame them, thought. He had always been in love with Christmas even before Chikara came into his life, now it was like double the hype. Much for his boyfriend dismay.

 

 

As he walked slow paced to their apartment he couldn't stop thinking of how lucky he had been all those years. He was finally in Tokyo, graduating from a good university and he had Chikara by his side. It was a good life and he would never let it slip through his fingers. He would hold close and he would never let anything happen to Chikara again. Tanaka knew he wouldn't get lucky to be on the right place at the right time again and this thought alone would consume his mind if he let it grow on him.

 

 

Brushing it off, he walked into the pastry shop to buy dessert just because he knew Chikara couldn't say no to them. It was a low blow and Tanaka was fully aware of that but in his defense he was doing it out of love and in the name of Chikara's well being. He stopped in the front of the showcase patiently watching as the variety of cakes, pies and other sugary treats would come and go from his sight. Candies were – and apparently would always be – Chikara's great weakness so Tanaka wouldn't waist time in using them as resource every time they were struck by a relapse. Sure, it would be better if he could just talk Ennoshita into eating properly but in the end of the day, Tanaka would feel more relieved to see him eat a slice of cake than to watch as he went to bed hungry and shaking.

 

 

He walked out with the chosen cake on a pretty pastel pink “to go” package and crossed the last meters to their place with a confident smile.

 

 

The warm and cold air of his home embraced him tight when he walked in. Ennoshita, who was reading a book curled up under his favorite blanket, turned his head to greet him with a soft smile. “Welcome home.” Tanaka big smile was always something that would bring peace and comfort to Ennoshita's heart. He closed the book as his boyfriend walked to the couch and sat straight to give Ryuu some space to sit on. He noticed the cake package as soon as Tanaka walked in but he pretended not to notice it and avoid looking as Tanaka carefully placed it on top of the kitchen counter before turning back to the couch and finally sitting beside him. “How was your day?” he started when Ryuu's arms pulled him in for a hug.

 

 

Mouth pressed against Ennoshita's shoulder, Ryuu grunted “Boring and surprisingly full of paperwork for a lab.”

 

 

“Poor you.” he snorted, to which Ryuu answered with a bite. “Don't bite me, Shark Boy.” this time, the answer was a soft kiss pressed on his jaw line. Chikara closed his eyes and softly tilted his head to let Ryuu have his way as much as he wanted.

 

 

Several kisses later, Tanaka captured Ennoshita's earlobe with his mouth and after squeezing it between his teeth for a second, let go with a sigh. “I missed you so much this week!” he said, tightening his arms around the other. Tanaka buried his face again on Ennoshita's neck, inhaling his scent. It felt like they haven't seen each other for ages. The past week and the hectic hours he was working on the lab made almost impossible for him to have time to spend with his boyfriend, who also had his very own hectic agenda to stick to. Usually Tanaka would get home past 9 a.m and eat alone because Ennoshita would only get home past 1 a.m, when Tanaka was far gone into his sleep. When morning comes, he would leave before Ennoshita could wake up so even though they have actually seen each other all the week, they haven't had time to spend together.

 

 

“I missed you too.” Ennoshita softly whispered. His index finger was playfully drawing patterns on Tanaka's arm. “I missed you a lot.”

 

 

Tanaka's lips stretched into a grin “Oh, look how cute my boyfriend is!” he mocked and Ennoshita elbowed him in retreat. “Ouch! Don't hurt me. I brought you cake.”

 

 

“Yeah. I saw it.” was all the answer he was ready to give. He played with his own hair, trying to avoid Tanaka's eyes because he knew damn well everything he would find in them. Silence tasted dangerous but he didn't have anything to say. From the moment his boyfriend walked and he noticed the cake package, he knew the night was doomed. The way things were left him only very two choices: he could either eat the cake, fake a smile, pray to good that Tanaka was too tired and would fall asleep in twenty minutes so he could rush to the toilet and force his fingers against the back of his throat until he had put out all the calories on the damn cake or he could eat the cake, fake a smile and spend the rest of the late hours of the night crying alone on the bathroom because by the time Ryuu fell asleep it would be too late to purge everything.

 

 

Well, of course he could always avoid eating the cake and start an argument. They would argue back and forth and there would be accusations and Ryuu would ended up hurt. And it was the best case scenario. The worst case scenario was to imagine that Ryuu would finally be so fed up with his shit that he would just shrug, grab his things and leave forever. He could feel the nausea build up on him.

 

 

“Chikara?”

 

 

“Hm?”

 

 

“Come on. Let's eat cake!” he said, as energetic as he always was. Ennoshita's heart tightened ans he let himself get dragged from the couch to the kitchen – which wasn't a long walk but that felt like miles. Ryuu passed the counter into the kitchen and grabbed two plates for them. Their small apartment didn't allow them to have a dinning table so they got used to sit by the counter to eat. He opened the box carefully as Ennoshita watched. Whenever he mentioned this to someone else they would never believe how soft and careful Tanaka was. Despite being seen as dangerous and threatening, Ryuu was so kind and soft and delicate that Chikara's heart would melt at every little sweet thing he did. He served cake for the both of them with a smile. Ennoshita licked his lips. His stomach growled so loud that Tanaka could hear it. “Great! You're hungry.”

 

 

He couldn't say anything. Placing his hand over his stomach, he pressed against it with anger. He didn't need food. He could just fill his stomach with water and be done for the day. Food would make him feel even worse and Tanaka would never understand it. The thick piece of red velvet cake was waiting for him on his plate. Tanaka was already eating but he knew he was paying attention. Just like his mother and father did when they finally knew about all of Chikara's “immature behavior”, so as the called. He bit his lower lip again.

 

 

“I'm not hungry, I'm nauseated.”

 

 

Tanaka's hand covered his. “Stomachs don't growl when you're nauseated, Chikara.”

he murmured. “Please, don't do this.”

 

 

“Ryuu...”

 

 

“I know you've been skipping meals. We live together, Chikara, for fucks sake, did you think I wouldn't notice?”

 

 

Ennoshita pulled his hand off of his grasp. “You know what? I don't wanna have this conversation. It's friday. We haven't seen each other awake the whole week. I don't wanna spend my night arguing with you because you think you know what it's better for me and for my body.” he said. Although his tone was low and he was trying to speak as softly as he could, it was pretty clear that he was dead serious. “It's my body, Tanaka. You have no say on what I do with it!”

 

 

“So I have to sit down and watch as you starve yourself to death again?” he asked. Arms crossed against his chest, furrowed brows. Ready to fight. Ennoshita didn't answer right away. He rubbed the back of his neck and walked a few steps away from Ryuu.

 

 

“I'm not starving myself to death.” he said. He was pissed. Pissed because Ryuu could walk in with something so trivial like cake and they would end up fighting because, just as everybody else on his life, Ryuu would never accept that he knew exactly what was better for himself. Nobody else should have to handle his life but him. Not his parents with their stupid expectations, not his doctors with all the medication and therapy and definitely not Tanaka Ryuunosuke.

 

“Then eat the cake.”

 

 

“I'm not hungry.”

 

 

“Yes, you are! Your stomach is growling. You have been skipping meals for days. Again: did you really think I wouldn't notice?” he said, exasperated. “For fucks sake, Chikara. We've been dating for three years and you still think you can keep these things from me?”

 

 

“Four. And I'm not keeping anything from you.”

 

 

“Yeah, sure.” Tanaka said. “I'm sorry. Am I supposed to act like you're doing just fine?”

 

 

“I'm just fine.”

 

 

“No, you're not! You're relapsing again.”

 

 

“I'm not relaps-”

 

 

“Your freaking disorder is making you freak out over cake!”

 

 

“Enough with that stupid cake! Stop acting like you know what is better for me. It's my body. It's my life. You don't get to act all offended because I don't wanna eat your stupid cake - that I didn't even ask for - just because you cant handle this. You're just like everybody else.” he yelled. The silence after that made him blush. He looked away trying to keep calm and it didn't help when he felt Tanaka's hand trying to hold him. He brushed them of quickly and walked back to put a few steps between them again.

 

 

“You mean, like everybody else who cares for you and want you to be healthy and alive? Is that what you mean?”

 

 

“No. Like everybody else who thinks that I can't take care of myself!”

 

 

“Nobody thinks that, Chikara.” he sighed. All this discussion had worn him off already. “We just want you to be better.”

 

 

“I would be better if everyone would stop meddling on my business!” Ennoshita raised his voice again.

 

 

“Stop yelling at me.”

 

 

“I'm not yelling.”

 

 

“Of course you're not.” he added sarcastically. Neither of them said anything else and Ennoshita stood still as Ryuu grabbed his keys, put on his coat, shove his phone, gloves and beanie on his pockets and left. The sound of the closing door brought Ennoshita back to reality but by then Ryuu was already gone. The cake left on the counter mocked him. He was a mess. Ryuu was better off without him anyway.

 

 

This time, when the wind hit his face, Tanaka didn't smile. He walked as fast as he could to get away from his building. He didn't mind to put on his gloves or the beanie because the cold weather was actually pretty soothing. He was angry. He was so fucking angry that Ennoshita could be so stubborn not to realize he was actually trying to help him and keep him safe. It wasn't supposed to be like that, he thought. They were supposed to sit down and eat cake and talk and be together. He was supposed to be with Chikara in his arms, enjoying his touch and kisses. They were supposed to be happy together. Now he was walking alone around the streets trying to get his feelings and thoughts in order while his chest was still clenching like hell and all he wanted was to smash his head on the wall so maybe that stupid argument would stop replaying itself on his brains.

 

 

He was upset and shivering and by the time he was tired enough for his anger to calm down, a soft rain started to pour down. He rushed into a coffee shop delighted to see it wasn't to crowded. He took a place at the back where the cheerful white noise of other people's hushed conversations wouldn't bother him so much and grabbed his phone. He was texting Nishinoya before he could even realize it. It took only three texts for Nishinoya to realize something was off and to offer his help. He showed up thirty minutes later, with a concerned smile and sat in front of Tanaka.

 

 

“So...what happened?” he asked, taking off his fingerless gloves.

 

 

“Ennoshita is skipping meals again.” he said. He was still frowning. Tanaka took the last sip of his coffee and stared at his friend. “He is relapsing and he refuses to let me help.”

 

 

Nishinoya ordered his coffee and inhaled deeply before talking. As someone who had been beside both of them all those years, he was very used to everything concerned Tanaka's fear for Ennoshita's health. He was deeply aware of how much Tanaka loved his boyfriend and that he was always trying to be the best he could be. Nishinoya was also aware that since the incident on their last year of high school Tanaka would always be scared of failing. But even though he knew all of that and knew that Ryuu's motives were based on his love, he also knew Ennoshita's eating disorder were a bit too much for Ryuu to handle alone. “Was that why you two fought? Did you ask him about it?”

 

“Yes. Sort of.” he said and then sighed. “I don't even know, Noya.” he confessed. Tanaka rubbed his shaved head, bowing into the table. “Everything was fine. There was cake, he was in my arms. We were happy. And then...” he paused and shrugged and places his hand on the table as he leaned back. “Then it was gone. He freaked out over the damn cake and all of a sudden we were in this stupid argument and...I don't know.” he looked over to his friend like Nishinoya could save his life.

 

 

“So you fought over cake?”

 

 

“I know it sounds stupid.”

 

 

“It's not stupid, Ryuu. It's just a waste of time.” he said. Tanaka appreciated his sincerity but, sometimes, Yuu were so blunt and straight forward that he could feel a knife going right trough his heart. Nishinoya smile, grabbing Ryuu's hand on his. “I know you're feeling like shit, but you gotta be strong for him.”

 

 

“Why am I the only one who gets to be strong?” he asked. “Because everybody keeps reminding me I have to be strong for him. And I am. I have been strong for him for ages.” his stomach clenched a little. “You have seen it yourself, Yuu. You were there. We were there. I was by his side at every step of the way. Every hospitalization, getting on med, getting off meds, getting new meds and all the relaps that came with them...I was there and I am still here and I don't get it why it is not enough and I don't know what to do, Yuu. I don't know what else I can do other than be scared of the worst. Other than dreading the day I'll get home and he would be dead.”

 

 

Nishinoya squeezing his hand softly. “Ryuu...”

 

 

“Noya...I'm not enough...” he finally said and it felt like he was facing the end of the world. “I'm just.....I'm not enough.”

 

 

“Listen to me, Tanaka Ryuunosuke!” Nishinoya started, he as holding both of Tanaka's hands now. “You are not enough because no one could be enough, ok?” he watched was Ryuu faintly agreed. “Ennoshita is sick. It's not something that could be brushed away with a couple of kisses and a cake.”

 

 

“I know!” he said. “You know I know that! I never said I can cure him!”

 

 

“Good. Because you can't.” Nishinoya said. “Chances are that he would be sick for the rest of his life. Did you ever think about that?” they stared at each other in silence as Nishinoya patted Ryuu's hand. “Maybe he will never get rid of it completely but I can get better. Ryuu, it can get better. You know it can.”

 

 

“And what if it doesn't?” he asked after a few minutes in silence. “Yuu, what if it doesn't and he leaves me? What if he tries that again and I don't get as lucky as I was that time? What if I can't be on time and save him? Yuu...”

 

 

“Tanaka. You have to stop worrying about that.” he said, dead serious. “Chikara won't try suicide again. We won't let him do it anyway. You are over thinking the whole situation. You said Ennoshita freaked out over the fucking cake but, truly my friend, you are the one freaking out over it.”

 

 

“What? You think I shouldn't be scared that he is relapsing into his dangerous habi--”

 

 

“I didn't say that.” he rolled his eyes.

 

 

“Well, that was what it sounded like!”

 

 

“I said you are freaking out over the damn cake. And you are. Don't try to deny it!” he said when Ryuu opened his mouth to retaliate. “I know you are worried about him and that you want to prevent that to happen again but you have to learn how to calm. The. Fuck. Down.” Nishinoya smirked. “You brought cake to a guy that has been feeding himself of water and – probably – diet pills. And everybody knows Ennoshita has a sweet tooth. You came home as a threat. And the cake was a trap to wash away a week of commitment.” he was soft to speak because he knew Ryuu could understand. He had had faith on him ever since the beginning and Tanaka proved, time after time, that he was worthy to have faith on.

 

 

He was in silence but Nishinoya could see by the way his eyes were darting from place to place that Tanaka was figuring things out. Biting his lips, he let go of Nishinoya's hand to rub his head again and then, after a few more minutes in which Nishinoya finished his lukewarm coffee, Tanaka finally let out a heavy sigh and looked at his friend in the eye. “I see.”

 

 

“I knew you would.” Nishinoya smiled. “Now go home and sort this out with Chikara. I have to go back or else Asahi will think I'm dead.”

 

 

“Damn, Yuu. I didn't knew he was home tonight. Fuck. I'm sorry I got you away from you boyfriend to nag about my personal problems.”

 

 

Yuu snorted. “Come on, Shark Boy. You know I'm always here for you. And I don't mind your nagging, so feel free to call me anytime. And besides...” he said, already putting on his gloves and getting up. “We don't have classes tomorrow.”

 

 

They said their goodbyes at the front of the shop and Ryuu walked the whole way back to his apartment feeling like his heart would stop at any minute. He looked at his phone screen. It was past 11 p.m. He didn't know if he wished Ennoshita to be awake or asleep. Though Tanaka knew they had to talk, he surely didn't want to do that at the moment. The apartment was silent but the lights were on. He walked in as silently as he could and was half way through the living room when the first noise hit him. He turned his head to the bathroom from where the gagging noises came and walked gingerly as fast as he could and stood by the closed door.

 

 

“Chikara?” silence meet him and he tried again. “Chikara?”

 

 

“I'm here.” his boyfriend faintly voice came out.

 

 

“Can I come in?” he asked. No answer but more gagging sounds. “Babe..?”

 

 

“I'm fine.”

 

 

“Babe....please...can I come in?” there were more gagging sounds and a terrible vomiting sound followed by a long pause before Ennoshita would finally say yes. When Tanaka walked in, he was still knelt on the floor, arms over the toilet. His face was read and wet from his tears and Tanaka never felt so heartbroken. He walked over to him only to get shocked by the amount of red covering the white toilet. “Oh god, Chikara, is this blood?” he asked, kneeling down besides Ennoshita.

 

 

But his boyfriend shook his head. “It's red velvet.” he said. And then pointed to his side where, unseen by Tanaka, lied the cake package with only some red crumbs over it. “I ate your cake.” he said, apologetic.

 

 

Ryuu leaned in and kissed his shoulder. “I'm sorry for this.”

 

 

“Yeah....” he whispered back. He closed the toilet and flushed, getting up and washing his mouth.

 

 

“Chikara...”

 

 

“Look, Ryuu....I'm tired. I don't wanna fight again.”

 

 

“Me neither.” he rushed to say, getting up to look him in the eye. He was pleased when Ennoshita didn't avoid his touch. “Look...I'm sorry I freaked out. I don't wanna fight. I'm so sorry.”

 

 

Ennoshita lloked like he was about to cry again. “I'm a mess, Ryuu.”

 

 

“I know.”

 

 

“No. You don't. I'm a mess beyond everything you think you can handle. I'm a train wreck.”

 

 

“I know, Chikara.”

 

 

“I won't judge you if you leave. I won't. I promise. I won't even get mad at you.” he said.

 

 

“You want me to leave?”

 

 

“No. If anything I want you to stay. If anything I only want you to stay. Stay with me. By my side. And love me. Because I know I can be better and I'll try harder but it's just that, sometimes it I just...I can't...”

 

 

He pulled Chikara in a hug and kissed his shoulder. There was much more they neede to say but they could figure things out later because Tanaka wasn't going anywhere and by now the only thing Ennoshita actually needed was a shower, a warm bed and Tanaka's cozy arms around him.

 

 

When they finally lied down and he rested his cheek against Tanaka's chest, Ennoshita sighed. “Seems like I'm a mouthful of problems.”

 

 

“Nah, babe...you're a piece of cake.”

 

 

Chikara snorted. “Don't you think it's too soon for cake-related jokes?”

 

 

Tightening his grip on his boyfriend, Tanaka grinned. “You know me. I'm made of bad timing and horrible puns.”

 

 

“Why do I even hang out with you, I wonder.”

 

 

“My incredible looks and my awesome blowjob.”

 

 

He burst off in laughter. “Damn, Shark Boy...we were having a moment!”

 

 

Ryuu laughed as well. “You know that calling me Shark boy implies you to be the Lava Girl, right?

 

 

Ennoshita just shrugged.

 

He could do worse than Lava Girl anyway.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Talk to me, good people!  
> ♥


End file.
